https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/thewomen daily 1.0 2013-08-30 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/thewomen-uk daily 0.75 2023-03-22 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548355629668-8PHRZ4WX4YZJ372N6FSQ/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1636726296663-86TNGFT1IVVN85WMCFDX/sophie+moss.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Sophie Moss, 33 Darlington, 2021 Sophie was mum to two boys. She was bubbly, charming, hardworking. Sophie was also very vulnerable: she had suffered mental health issues after developing postnatal depression, and days before she died had been seriously ill in hospital with liver and kidney infections. Sophie was killed by Sam Pybus, who had driven drunk to her home and strangled her to death. He had used such force that his hands were “hurting”. Sam Pybus claimed she had died in consensual strangulation and she had regulary encouraged him to this. This claim was rejected by both Sophie’s former and current partners. Pybus’s ex wife told police he had a history of strangling her - she felt that police were looking for information to support his story: “If they’d really looked into Sam’s history with women, they would have found abuse, sexual violence and just a complete lack of respect.” The CPS prosecuted Pybus for manslaughter, Pybus pled guilty at court and was sentenced to 4 years and 8 months. The Attorney General attempted to appeal the sentence as Unduly Lenient. When this went to the Court of Appeal, we, with the Centre for Women’s Justice and the support of Sam Pybus’ ex wife and Sophie Moss’s children’s dad, attempted to intervene to ensure the court had the latest information on non fatal strangulation harms, and our research on violence claimed to be rough sex. The lead appeal judge rejected our application: agreeing with Pybus’s legal team’s claim that our information was on non-consensual strangulation, but this case - Sophie’s killing - was consensual strangulation. The Court of Appeal did not increase Sam Pybus’s sentence, with Judge Macur calling Sophie’s strangulation a “risky sexual practice”. Manslaughter, 4 years 8 months https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1646515003801-XZUKKHIT1QCSAUXU2GNH/image-asset.jpeg The Women and Girls - UK - Anna Florence Reed, 22 2019, Switzerland Anna, from Harrogate, was found dead in a hotel room where she had been staying with her 29 year old boyfriend. She died from suffocation, and had suffered cuts and fractures. Her boyfriend claimed to police that Anna had died in a sex game gone wrong, and his claim was widely reported in the UK press. Prosecutors did not believe his claim, and briefed press that “the claim that she died in a sex game was never convincing.” At court, the Swiss judge rejected his claim that Anna had died in consensual violence, saying Anna “was killed with an intentional act.” "A death from strangulation is not instantaneous: whoever causes it has time to see what is happening, sees the victim suffocate but does not stop.” Intentional Homicide, 18 years - Swiss Court https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1596755666219-9RE2TF3IT1SZJSZMVISJ/image-asset.jpeg The Women and Girls - UK - Patrycja Wyrebek, 20 2020, Newry Patrycja had been due to start a job as an auxiliary nurse. In the week after she was killed, her friends held a memorial walk for her. She was killed by her partner. He told police he killed her in 'erotic asphyxiation' - a claim repeated in his first court hearing. His defence barrister said that it was a normal part of their sex life, and when Patrycja died “she never gave him such signal to actually stop.” However, at court he admitted through his barrister that this claim was an “utter lie” and that he had murdered Patrycja. He had been controlling, police had been called to the house several times in their short relationship, and he finally killed her in jealousy over previous partners. Patrycja’s mother Iwona said “He stole Patrycja’s life just as it was beginning to blossom.” “I do not forgive him. I never will.” Murder, 20 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1573052775910-40GFK82PLA5FS10IW27U/grace+millane.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Grace Millane, 22 2018, Auckland, New Zealand Grace was from Essex, a talented artist, and was in New Zealand as she travelled round the world after her graduation. She was killed on the eve of her 22nd birthday by a 27 year old man she had met on a Tinder date. He claimed at his trial for her murder that she asked him to strangle her. His defence presented, and the UK press repeated, stories of Grace’s internet use and sex life, to support the idea she consented to strangulation. His identity was protected by court order during the trial. He did not seek medical help for Grace, and after killing her went on a date with another woman. He said to that woman “I heard of this guy who’s partner asked to have rough sex with him involving some sort of strangulation and suffocation but it went wrong and the guy couldn’t revive her and she died. He got done for manslaughter but it was really tough for him to see this woman he loved dying.” The court also heard some evidence that he had been violent to other women, with one fearing she would die when he suffocated her during sex. Murder, 17 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1561139145900-C3IZNKM8JT545AO73XZJ/sally+cavender.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Sally Cavender, 55 2018, Cambridgeshire Sally “a much-loved daughter and sister” and “a bright, bubbly girl, who was full of laughter and fun” is killed by her partner, Robert Simpson-Scott, 44. He admitted her manslaughter and has now been convicted of her murder.. He told attending paramedics and police that Sally had died during “vigorous sex”. The court has heard much detail of Sally’s alleged sex life in the years before her death. Sally died of her injuries: “a fractured spine, multiple rib fractures and a hypoxic brain injury, meaning she was unable to breathe by herself. She also had extensive bruising around her eyes, neck and arms.” Her sister described Sally as very vulnerable, and that she had been “conned and controlled by a very evil man for his own gain”. Tragically, Sally’s mum died a few days after her daughter’s death. Murder, life, min term 18 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1566636874097-PYJ4FI6W2MHLG729S5DB/michelle+rosser+family+handout.png The Women and Girls - UK - Denise Rosser, 38 2018, Merthyr Tydfil Michelle Denise Rosser, 38, is murdered by her partner. He told police her facial injuries (which included a fractured skull, a brain bleed, multiple bruises and grazes) were from sex they'd had the night before. She'd called police 11 times in 2 years to report domestic abuse. Murder, life, min term 18 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548345825924-2DCRE8533FPEY86PYBXL/charlotte_teeling.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Charlotte Teeling, 33 2018, Birmingham Charlotte was mum to two children. Charlotte is killed by a man she had just met, and who had 171 previous convictions, including many for violence: "exclusively against women". Judge Patrick Thomas QC ruled that the murder involved "sexual or sadistic content and told Richard Bailey, "you told the police that Charlotte asked you to squeeze her neck. Even if that were the case - and I do not accept that it was - it is manifest that she did not consent to being injured, let alone killed." Murder, life, min term 29 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548345882687-JYBOKHAM0P24YISBLXHA/christina+abbotts+sussex+police.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - CHRISTINA ABBOTTS, 29 2018, West Sussex Christina was killed on her 29th birthday. Zahid Naseem, 48, killed her in an attack of "extraordinary ferocity", hitting her 13 times on the back of her head with a kitchen pestle. He was found by police pretending to be unconscious, when they found Christina's body, and then claimed in court that a "red mist" had descended when he feared she would strangle him in a "sex game gone wrong". He claimed Christina had suggested strangulation to him as "fun" that "she had tried with other clients" as an escort. Murder, life, min term 19 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1566651857589-XO43MA503G2CFMNJUT12/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LESLEY POTTER, 66 2018, Mumbles Lesley had a son and a daughter and was looking forward to the birth of a sixth grandchild. Lesley was killed by her husband Derek. On arrest and in court he claimed that they had had an "S&M relationship", that she may have killed herself during sex, that he had strangled her during sex in the past, that he had a temper, that he had strangled his wife in temper before, maybe a couple of times, he had also held her by the throat in the pub. 'Police did not treat her death as suspicious until, one week before she was due to be cremated, Potter told a colleague "I had to strangle her".' Murder, life, min term 17 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548346326430-GPPFV39YL54R6G5WICBM/laura+huteson+2.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LAURA HUTESON, 21 2018, Hull Laura is killed by a man she'd just met that day. Jason Gaskell, 24, was charged with murder but admitted manslaughter. He had strangled a woman 11 days before he killed Laura, and was later given a 16 week sentence for that earlier attack. Gaskell held a knife to Laura's neck while having sex - he claimed with her consent - and used mild to moderate force to cut through her carotid artery. The court accepted that Gaskell, the only surviving witness, had not intended to use the knife to kill Laura and was engaged in what the judge called “bizarre and violent sadomasochistic sexual activity” Manslaughter, 6 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1589478731391-92K8RCU1278BU9WNFOOF/image-asset.jpeg The Women and Girls - UK - CHLOE MIAZEK, 20 2017, Aberdeen Chloe, a student, had been drinking in Aberdeen city centre with friends, and had been thrown out of a nightclub as door staff thought she was too drunk. While waiting at a bus stop, Mark Bruce, 32, approached her and within 2 hours had strangled Chloe to death at his flat. He claimed it was an accident, although he accepted that he did not get consent from Chloe to choke her. He did not seek medical help for her. The court heard evidence from her previous boyfriend that she’d talked about ‘breath play’, to support the defence’s case that she’d consented. The defence team said Chloe had "somewhat lost her way" and was "experimenting...with drink, drugs and sexual practices”. Chloe’s father says the sex gone wrong defence was part of an “agreed narrative” between prosecutors and defence as to what happened that night. Her dad said: “"They used quite a long time to implicate Chloe” “And that was when all the headlines hit the tabloids. We had to sit through that and listen to that about our little girl." The man who killed Chloe denied murder and was allowed to plead guilty to culpable homicide - the Scottish equivalent of manslaughter. In his sentencing hearing, his defence team admitted "there was no conversation between himself and Ms Miazek about violence during sex, there was no discussion and that at no point would she have expected such", and that he had previously strangled a partner in sex. Culpable Homicide, 6 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450555620-3K4PQIS6T04V5XDAVQS1/megan+bills+family+photo+express+star.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - MEGAN BILLS, 17 2017, Dudley Megan Bills was 17 and met Ashley Foster, 24, hours before he killed her. After killing her, he hid her body in a cupboard and searched online for ‘snuff films’ and violent pornography. He claimed in court that she asked him to strangle her and that she died accidentally in a sex game gone wrong. Murder, life, min term 26 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450488005-LK7YPNN7UZXJEKHNHZAG/hannah+dorans+edinburgh+news.png The Women and Girls - UK - HANNAH DORANS, 21 2017, Edinburgh Hannah Dorans is strangled by her ex-boyfriend Frazer Neil (25) - with his defence being "Fifty Shades of Grey sex game wrong". The High Court in Edinburgh heard that Hannah had finished the four-year relationship just two weeks before but Neil could not accept she had another partner. He lured her to the flat in February 2017 and sexually assaulted her before strangling her with a cord. Murder, life, min term 19 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548347641049-FRA2QPD9YE2VKOQCNM79/_97016418_hannahpearson.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - HANNAH PEARSON, 16 2016, Nottinghamshire Hannah met her killer, James Morton, 24, on the day she died. She was "heavily intoxicated" when she died, and Morton was sober and was reported as being obsessed with strangulation, frequently watching porn featuring strangulation of women. Although the judge said Morton had strangled Hannah "without warning or permission", Morton claimed he began to lightly strangle Hannah, which he said she did not object to, before more forcefully strangling her. He waited 20 minutes after he saw Hannah had stopped breathing to phone 999, and after smashing her phone because it was ringing. The jury cleared him of murder and found him guilty of manslaughter. Manslaughter, 12 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548347508844-RXFIU01NSNIBGJ9FYUPR/natalie+connolly+2.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - NATALIE CONNOLLY, 26 2016, Worcestershire Natalie was mum to a daughter, and a twin sister. Natalie died with vaginal arterial bleeding and severe alcohol and cocaine intoxication at the bottom of the stairs of the home she shared with her partner of a few months, John Broadhurst, 36. Natalie had suffered 40 separate injuries, including serious internal trauma, a fractured eye socket and facial wounds. Broadhurst claimed her injuries, including "dreadful blunt-force injuries to her head, buttocks and breast before spraying her face with bleach to clean off the blood" were from consensual "rough sex". The next morning, he “stepped across her now lifeless body, had breakfast, washed the car and called the emergency services, telling the police and paramedics that she was “dead as a doughnut””. The Attorney General was asked to intervene in the sentence given to Natalie's killer, he declined. In 2019, Broadhurst attempted to have his sentence reduced further, as he’d been impaired by drink. He failed. In October 2019, MPs proposed additions to the law, so that this could never happen again. “For years, men got away with murder, claiming, “She asked for it.” Now we have to shut down this modern version of the defence.” and for Natalie:”We will get justice for her in a change in the law.” Manslaughter, 3 years 8 months https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450415797-5DBR7SKD4FUC37G36MQR/lisa+jane+lyttle+2.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LISA JANE LYTTLE, 49 2016, Mallorca, Spain Lisa died in Spain but was on holiday there visiting her British husband - she lived in Kilburn, North London. Her husband first claimed Lisa had died in a sadomasochistic sex game gone wrong. He later changed his plea and admitted strangling his wife with a phone cable. He was found guilty of a lesser charge than murder in a Spanish court. Their grown up daughter gave evidence in court that her mother had been a victim of violence and threats from her father. Homicide (Spanish court) 12 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450365371-SOYNF7TBHDLXELIG6N9Y/india+chipchase+northamptonshire+police.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - INDIA CHIPCHASE, 20 2016, Northampton India, 20, wanted to be a paramedic. She had been drinking with friends and had become separated from them outside a nightclub. She was approached by Edward Tenniswood, 52, who she had not previously met, and who led her back to his home and killed her. In his trial for her rape and murder, he claimed she had died accidentally in 'his overeagnerness to please her'. Like most of the other women on this page, India's killer's story that she had died during a consensual kinky sex session were widely and robotically repeated in news reports. Her killer was convicted of both rape and murder of India, and sentenced to 12 years concurrently for her rape. Tenniswood had been arrested for another rape 11 days before killing India, but had no previous convictions. Murder, life, 30 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450602969-C99FT7BN6NT0YN77S6TA/katie+locke+twitter.jpeg The Women and Girls - UK - KATIE LOCKE, 23 2015, Herts Katie Locke, 23, was a history teacher, from Essex. Katie was strangled on her first date with Carl Langdell, after meeting him on dating site Plenty of Fish. Carl Langdell sexually assaulted her dead body before dumping her in a bush, in the early hours of Christmas Eve. He had admitted the murder to his mother, saying he had strangled Katie in a sex game which went wrong. Murder, life, min term 26 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433136243-YNBYYJZJ4BRD73HO2O8T/marta+ligman+national+pictures.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - MARTA LIGMAN, 23 2015, North London Marta was killed by her previously violent, “obsessively jealous, controlling” boyfriend Thomas Kocik, 38. In his defence he claimed he found his girlfriend dead at their flat after days of amphetamine fuelled bondage sex sessions. He claimed in court that he and Marta regularly engaged in bondage. Marta was found to have been severely beaten before her death. Kocik dumped her body in a suitcase in the Regent's Canal. Murder, life, min term 18 years 6 months https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548450155091-P9RTRODG5I296LRST8AS/_67015601_warburtondawn.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - DAWN WARBURTON, 40 2014, Hull Man cleared of all charges after being charged with the manslaughter and violent injury of his cousin, Dawn Warburton, during a "sex game gone wrong." Mark Pickford, 39, was charged with manslaughter by gross negligence and assault. Pickford had sent Dawn a string of sexually violent texts including "You’re getting tied up, I will treat you like a random victim, gonna do you Manchester style". Dawn was found above a bloodstained bed, with Pickford’s tow rope tied several times round her neck and thirty injuries to her face and neck. Not guilty https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1555101780936-K6GBSJ7R0LOJ4M7BPQLF/belinda+dalby+and+pussycat+.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - BELINDA DALBY, 26 2014, Southampton Belinda had a sister, who described her as “bubbly” and the “life and soul”. Her boyfriend, Jamie Nicholson, 30, is arrested after walking into a police station and confessing to the murder of Belinda during what press reported as a “night of passion”. Police then found Belinda’s body with a computer cord knotted around her neck. In initial court hearings, Nicholson’s defence barrister claimed there had been a sex game involving the ligature. However, the murder charge was dropped when the Home Office pathologist reported that Belinda had died from a drug overdose, which the prosecution believed had been self inflicted. The CPS was asked if they wanted to pursue further charges, particularly on the ligature around Belinda’s neck, but having considered it they said it was “not thought appropriate”. All charges dropped https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548341061100-YET0YM7PH7Y8GNCP55NK/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - VIRGINJA JURKIENE, 49 2013, Cambridgeshire Virginja was a mum. She had just met Dainotas Doblys, 48, who had responded to her dating ad. They drank together, and booked a hotel room. Doblys plead not guilty to her rape and murder, and in sentencing the Judge said to him:"You were a florid liar in your dealings with the police, painting a bogus picture of athletic yet entirely consensual prolonged bouts of sexual intercourse". Doblys was found guilty of two counts of rape - she was "semi-conscious or unconscious and therefore incapable of consent" - and not guilty of murder. Virjinja died of "suffocation in conjunction with severe alcohol intoxication", and had suffered "shocking wounds to the intimate parts of her body.". She was found in a pool of blood on the floor of the hotel room. Doblys also received two 11-year sentences for the two counts of rape. Manslaughter, Extended Sentence, 16 years, with 4 years on licence https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1556734279635-HEGF5Q137PMTKTVQZBDW/Jennie+Banner.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Jennie Banner, 32 2012, Kent Jennie was a much loved middle sister. She was killed by her friend Marcus Coates, 44. He had tightened a belt around her neck, and he left her body to be found 5 days later. Coates had claimed she asked him to put the belt around her neck and she pulled it tight during sexual activity. He had previously been jailed for 5 years for the sexual assault of a woman in front of her child, having slashed the woman with a knife. Coates was found not guilty of Jennie’s murder, but guilty of manslaughter, and was sentenced under an indeterminate sentence, for public protection, for at least 7 years 6 months. Manslaughter, 7 years 6 months https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548341061100-YET0YM7PH7Y8GNCP55NK/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LEE HENDRY, 54 2011, Sheffield Lee was killed by her ex partner Alexander Burnett, 32. Lee had been strangled and stabbed in the throat. Burnett claimed that he would often strangle her, during sex, and that Lee had asked him to hold the knife to her neck during sex. He “had feared that nobody would have believed what had happened.” A pathologist gave evidence that Lee’s strangulation injuries were consistent with “sex play”. Despite this, the judge felt there was “manifest, deliberate and chilling intent to kill”. Burnett had previous convictions for assaulting Lee, as well as for GBH. After stabbing her he “watched her die” over several hours. Murder, life, min term 22 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433178549-H6J5MF3URC5AEIZVZ07M/anna+banks+lancaster+telegraph.png The Women and Girls - UK - Anna Banks, 23 2011, Lancashire Anna was a classroom assistant in Colne, Lancashire. She was killed by her boyfriend of four months, Daniel Lancaster, 25. Their relationship was described as "obsessive" and he apparently admitted murdering her to a cellmate, but denied murder in court and admitted manslaughter "after claiming Anna Banks, 23, enjoyed being throttled during intercourse." "There were marks around her throat and dried blood on her face. It is believed her body had been there for at least 24 hours." He as found not guilty of her murder by a jury, but admitted manslaughter as part of "a sex game gone wrong." Manslaughter, 4 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548341069837-GVFDMIFLL0UHHXDH7HCS/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - MICHELLE STONALL, 34 2011, Birmingham Michelle was strangled with a dog lead and found in Sheldon country park. She was killed by a man she had been a six week relationship with, who claimed that she had asked him to strangle her with the dog lead in the woods and that her death had been an accident in a “sex game gone wrong”. David Connors, 38, changed his story multiple times. Murder, life, min term 22 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548341161410-MWTVDK3I1LOAQSRK60FA/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - JULIE BYWATER, 32 2011, Bournemouth Julie was a teaching assistant. Julie's ex partner killed her. Alan Pickersgill claimed she'd throttled herself in a bondage sex game gone wrong. He became "dangerously obsessed" with her after she ended the relationship - including installing a tracking device in Julie’s car. Murder, life, min term 19 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548432240927-YFPPHEORVSG3BLGL0704/Vicky-Wynne-Jones+%281%29.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - VICKY WYNNE-JONES, 25 2010, Liverpool Vicky was “a tall, blond, 25-year-old newlywed who worked as an account manager and who could calculate a balance sheet or assemble a wardrobe without breaking a sweat.” Vicky's husband of 6 months, Michael Roberts, insisted he accidentally killed Vicky during a kinky sex game gone wrong, when he applied too much pressure to her neck with a dressing gown cord. Roberts, then 27, had hidden her body after killing her, and the court heard he had had numerous affairs. Vicky had found out that he’d been cheating on her, and had given him a deadline which fell on the weekend he killed her. Vicky's family have since spoken of the terrible effect on them of Vicky’s murder. Her sister says: “He took away Vicky, her choices, her chances, her future. And then he took her dignity. Even now, it’s the ‘sex game gone wrong’ that gets focused on. Even though it was disproved, it’s always going to be there.” Murder, life, min term 17 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344641323-WCKR9S2RUSD24X944SUQ/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - KERRY SNEDDON, 36 2010, Yorkshire Kerry was a beauty therapist and mum. Her partner, Jason O'Malley, 39, "insecure, suspicious, jealous, possessive and prone to violent outbursts" strangled Kerry and "told officers when arrested that the beauty therapist encouraged him to apply 'a little bit of pressure' and they had done it six or seven times in sex sessions - although he didn't like doing it". He had applied "considerable force" to kill her. Murder, life, min term 15 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344053164-FSANDP7CBD9HB4CU6CP9/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LISA RUTH CONSTERDINE, 48 2010, Oxfordshire Lisa is killed by her partner. Sean Freaney, 51, first claimed that he'd strangled her when sleepwalking, then changed his story to a "sex game gone wrong" - he claimed in court that their sex life had been “very very rough”. Murder, life, min term 14 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344064921-BPSBEHK353KXGBZ9COJ6/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - CAROL JARVIS, 47 2009, West Lothian Carol is killed by her husband Harry Jarvis, by "means unknown" . He is reported to have told police that she died in a "sex game gone wrong", and claimed in court that Carol had died after she had asked him to strangle her. He and Ruth Hester, with whom he was having a relationship, were charged with murder and attempting to defeat the ends of justice. Ruth was found guilty only of defeating the ends of justice. Murder, life, min term 15 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433324689-DCXDHMQGQQC4482XZSWK/Nicola+WEst+Ipswich+star.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - NICOLA WEST, 34 2007, Ipswich Nicola was a distribution manager for a hospice. Two men claim Nicola had asked to be strangled to heighten her pleasure and that she died, in a car, in a sex game gone wrong. Nicola had just met John McCarry, 37, in a pub. Murder, life for both https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433280136-KJU7AQ803G10KFH1K6FB/paula+clennell.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - PAULA CLENNELL, 24 2006, Ipswich Paula was mum to 3 children. She had spiralled into prostitution and homelessness after becoming addicted to crack cocaine and heroin. She was murdered by Steve Wright, 49, who claimed that Paula had died in a masochistic sex game. The prosecution were able to present a pathologist whose evidence discredited this claim. Steve Wright was sentenced for the murder of 5 women, including Paula, all of whom were prostitutes, and he may have killed more women. Murder, life, whole life term https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1557774131471-MKJLL6OGSYA59KVQDQ8F/Naomi_Phipps.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - NAOMI PHIPPS, 30 2006, Redditch Naomi was a prison officer, her family said she was “the happiest we'd seen her in years, a life on track and a new future to look forward to”. She was killed by her 18 year old neighbour, Matthew Doman, reported in the Redditch advertiser as "a skilled liar, Doman invented a story that Miss Phipps had died accidentally during a biazarre practice to restrict breathing and intensify love-making." He claimed she had asked him to put a plastic bag over her head during sex. He had battered her and suffocated her with the bag. Murder, life, min term 20 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1557679722179-XDMJ3PNPM99RXSDOPM6A/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Una Whitney, 38 2003, Surrey Una was a care assistant and was fun and outgoing. She was killed by her partner, Lee Portwine, 38. Their relationship was violent and she had “frequently been seen with black eyes”. He had previously been jailed for violence. After killing Una, he left her body in the woods in the grounds of a hotel where they had been attending a wedding. That evening Una was drunk and having difficulty walking. A friend had tried to help her to the ladies toilets - Portwine tried to stop her, entered the toilets, pulled a serrated knife out and was heard shouting at Una. Portwine and Una then left the hotel building. Una’s body was found the next day. Portwine plead guilty to her murder. He said that he had asphyxiated Una and inserted mud into her vagina and mouth with her consent - “in order to heighten her sexual pleasure”. He then headbutted her when she protested in discomfort. She had died from head injuries and asphyxiation - her throat was blocked by mud. Portwine’s sentence was reduced on appeal from 16 years to 12 years as the original sentence might have reflected the sexual violence against Una as an aggravating factor. The appeal judges were persuaded that all sexual activity, including asphyxiation and insertion of mud into her, was consensual. They also accepted in mitigation that Portwine had no intention to kill Una. Murder, 12 years on appeal https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548368800466-RSP7XZ2FYKLY0XRAZU5D/Jane-Longhurst.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - JANE LONGHURST, 31 2003, Brighton and Hove Jane was a teacher and classical musician living in Brighton. After her death, Jane's mum, Liz, and sister Sue successfully campaigned to have some types of extreme pornography banned in the UK. Jane was killed by her best friend's boyfriend, who had had "sexually arousing" "murderous thoughts" about women since the age of 15, and who had been viewing asphyxial sex and strangulation images online over 8 years. 'Graham Coutts killed the teacher to "satisfy a bizarre and macabre fantasy" after spending hours viewing images of women being strangled and raped'. Coutts, 35, was described in court as having an "obsession" with violent pornography, including 'websites specialising in rape, necrophilia and female asphyxiation.' Coutt's previous partners said that he had strangled them whilst having sex. When asked why she consented to this, one said "I was in love with him. I wanted to make him happy." Coutts strangled Jane with a pair of tights whilst masturbating over her body. He hid her body for 5 weeks and regularly visited it. After first visiting her body he downloaded images of a woman being strangled to death. Coutts claimed that Jane had died accidentally during consensual strangulation sex. A colleague gave evidence that Jane had years previously said she'd engaged in breath control during sex. Murder, life, min term 26 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1556729960004-EO20VH10LVWD8RKDK1BM/unsplash+download+size.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - SONIA 2003, London Sonia was from Argentina, and we have not yet been able to find her full name. “Surgeon to the stars” Graham Belham, who died in 2010, was arrested when she was found dead. Belham was “arrested on suspicion of murder after a prostitute was found dead with a bag over her head. Mr Belham was released without charge and a coroner ruled it could have been suicide or a sex game gone wrong”. “In November 2003 Belham met Argentine prostitute Sonia online. He was arrested and kept in a cell overnight after her death before being released without charge.” No charges brought https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344099315-UEASUKNYYM290O8O07S2/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LORNA SLANEY, 31 2002, Northampton Lorna is killed by her boyfriend Andrew Murray, convicted of rape and murder, with his friend Carl Stokes acquitted of murder and rape and later convicted of false imprisonment. Murray and Stokes kidnapped Lorna and tied her to a bed. Stokes claimed he was tricked into a bondage and rape sex game gone wrong, and "I didn't know she was in any danger. I had no reason to distrust Murray". Murder, life, min term 14 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1555097212925-UDOO7HQGCNKPJZK8NSWS/Elizabeth-Valad-from-Nottingham.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Elizabeth Valad, 29 2002, Camden, London Elizabeth was from Nottingham and was mum to a daughter. She was murdered by Anthony Hardy. Hardy had previously murdered Sally White, but Sally’s death was ruled as being from natural causes. Elizabeth’s dismembered body was found with Brigitte Maclennan’s in a bin near Hardy’s home. All three women met Hardy when working as prostitutes in the King’s Cross red light district. Hardy had stalked and attempted to kill his wife and was a suspect in three rapes. Described as “pornography-obsessed”, Hardy claimed he had killed Sally, Elizabeth and Brigitte by accident as part of a bondage sex game - but at court admitted murdering them, and received three life sentences. He is suspected to have killed two other women. Murder, life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1555096816513-0XYOL32OBMYC8GGT0H2C/brigitte+maclennan.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Brigitte Maclennan, 35 2002, Camden, London Brigitte was originally from New Zealand, and was mum to two sons. She was murdered by Anthony Hardy. Hardy had previously murdered Sally White, but Sally’s death was ruled as being from natural causes. Elizabeth’s dismembered body was found with Elizabeth Valad’s in a bin near Hardy’s home. All three women met Hardy when working as prostitutes in the King’s Cross red light district. Hardy had stalked and attempted to kill his wife and was a suspect in three rapes. Described as “pornography-obsessed”, Hardy claimed he had killed Sally, Elizabeth and Brigitte by accident as part of a bondage sex game - but at court admitted murdering them, and received three life sentences. He is suspected to have killed two other women. Murder, life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1556173188226-GJYUAY6767ZC6ESYU2AR/unsplash+download+size.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Sally White, 31 2002, Camden, London Sally was murdered by Anthony Hardy, her neighbour. The pathologist on the case was later disciplined for deciding Sally had not died in suspicious circumstances , despite blood on her clothes, the bedding and wall, with injuries on her head and body; despite her being found by accident by police, locked in a room in the home of a man who had a history of stalking and violence against women, who was a suspect in three rapes and who had recently been arrested. Sally was supposed to have died by “blocked arteries and shock generated by rough sex.”. The coroner was not told of the suspicious circumstances and so ruled the death was from natural causes. The police were then unable to investigate her death further. Hardy went on to kill Elizabeth Valad, 29 and Brigette MacClennan, 34. He claimed he had killed all three women by accident as part of a sex game - but at court admitted murdering them, and received three life sentences. Murder, life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548434339032-XKZQ1LDUE7K5LFYBTS21/Gill+Barter.jpg.gallery.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - GILL BARTER, 27 2001, Wiltshire Gill is killed by her partner Darren Maslen, at their home in Market Lavington. He told the "court that she died after a kinky sex session went disastrously wrong". He claimed in court that they enjoyed regular "rough sex" sessions. Gill had extensive injuries to her face, head and "pelvic area and internal organs required a significant degree of force and the use of a blunt instrument or instruments, or a fist. It was the shock and blood loss arising from these injuries that were the main cause of her death." Maslen had also used a stun gun to incapacitate her. Gill had taken high dose of ecstacy and a possibly lethal dose of a sedative dothiepin. The court heard that she did not take drugs, and that she'd suspected that her partner had been drugging her previously. Maslen had fully inserted a bottle of liqueur into Gill's vagina, and a vibrator in her anus, he claimed all at her request. Her "vagina had been ripped open all the way up and the cervix at the bottom of the uterus was extensively bruised. Her anus had been torn apart". She bled for many hours on the living room floor and he made no attempt to seek help. He did attempt to clean up the bloodstained bottles and carpet, as she was dying or dead. In sentencing, the judge took account of the lack of intent to kill Gill. Murder, life, min term 18 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433468042-QOOY8HXF7ESXSNDLF3AQ/Jin+Hyo+Jung.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - JIN HYO JUNG, 21 2001, London Hyo Jung was from South Korea and was studying French language in Lyon, and whilst visiting London was killed by Kim Kyu Soo, 31, who ran a guesthouse. Her body was found in a suitcase near York and she had been bound with tape. Kim was convicted of her murder and the murder of Song In Hea. Kim was reported to have used the defence "that the women died after a bondage sex game went terribly wrong" Murder, life sentence for each murder https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433595911-LEFJEFWSBLYQ94QH6HDW/song+in+hea.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - SONG IN HEA, 22 2001, London In Hea was from South Korea and was studying hotel management at Guildhall University in London. Shewas killed by Kim Kyu Soo, 31, who ran a guesthouse. Her body was found in a cupboard and she had been bound with tape. Kim was convicted of her murder and the murder of Jin Hyo Jung. Kim was reported to have used the defence "that the women died after a bondage sex game went terribly wrong" Murder, life sentence for each murder https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548341042957-VVNA35HIX5393TE9P3OX/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - JACQUELINE HEATON, 32 2001, South Shields Jacqueline was mum to three children and was killed by her husband Norman. Although they had been due to split up on the day of her death after a series of rows, Jacqueline was strangled by her husband with a length of washing line in what was reported as "an alleged sex game " during "one last passionate session" . The prosecution refused to accept his guilty plea to manslaughter. The court heard Norman had been planning to abduct the couple's sons. Murder, life, min term 12 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548433855169-FEHXBQIRA6S4YH4MZ5GC/_1796258_goddard150.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - KERRY GODDARD, 36 2001, Staffordshire Kerry was a music teacher, and mum of three, and was killed by her husband Mark, then 42. He told detectives she “fell to her death through the floor of their loft during a sex game” and that marks found on her neck “could have been caused by erotic-asphyxiation.” The court heard much detail from Mark Goddard on their alleged sex life. The crime scene officer first marked her death as a “sad accident”. Murder, Life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548434079306-JKMC9IMSH0AWEPH5E0D2/mandy+mcdonald+bbc+news.png The Women and Girls - UK - MANDY BARCLAY, 32 2000, Aberdeenshire Mandy, whose married name was Mandy McDonald, was killed by her husband Niall McDonald, 35. He claimed that Mandy had died when a sex act went wrong. Defending, Donald Finlay QC said that the incident which led to the death of Mrs McDonald was a "private matter" and that this was sex that "narrow-minded people would call kinky". Mandy - who was 4ft 10 - was found 6 days after her death where her husband had hidden her body, in woods nearby. She had suffered injuries to her face, neck, external lacerations to her genitals and her bowel was perforated through her anus. She died of severe rectal injuries and asphyxia. Her husband was financially and emotionally abusive to her before her death. He was also convicted of defeating the ends of justice. Culpable Homicide, 4 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344154290-LMGRL2B53GZIELMFWLC6/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - KERRY SCOTT, 24 1999, Portsmouth Kerry was a barmaid. She was killed by her new boyfriend, Richard Tait, 30, who was on licence following a sentence for raping and attempting to murder his previous wife by strangling her. Kerry was said to have known about his previous conviction. Kerry “was gagged with parcel tape and had suffered a fractured larynx, a ruptured liver and severe bruising to her face.” She was killed after a New Year’s Eve party. “Tait told his trial Miss Scott had asked him to asphyxiate her during a sex game and said he struck out at her body when he was unable to revive her.” The judge described him as “an extraordinarily dangerous young man” Murder, life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1555366807907-0B1WX23I0PIMTUYLA8L5/Sylvia+Fleming.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - SYLVIA FLEMING, 17 1998, County Tyrone Sylvia was a care worker and was pregnant when she was killed. She was killed by her boyfriend , Stephen Scott, then 28, “was known in the area as a "Jack the lad". He was also said “to have a liking for violent sex.” Scott claimed Sylvia “died in a sex game that went wrong” and that “she had consented to being tied to his bed with ropes, gagged and injected with insulin.” He dismembered her body before hiding it in the foundations of a house. Murder, Life sentence, served 19 years (now released) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1679508953279-FIYA7655HEU1P2EOR0NB/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Janet O'Donoghue, 36 1997, Armagh Janet was mum to four children. She’d previously been in the British Army and had lived in England and Hong Kong. She had just met the man who killed her, at a disco. David Eric Porter, 23, strangled her. Appallingly, Janet was found by her daughter. The Judge accepted Porter’s claim that she had died accidentally, in what the Judge called "deviant sexual behaviour". He accepted Porter did not intend to cause her death. Porter’s guilty plea to manslaughter was accepted. Manslaughter, 5 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1582012668979-4MWU5YLGBXB6Q7FUCU7L/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Margaret Cunningham, 43 c.1995, London On the day she was killed, Margaret had visited her terminally ill boyfriend in hospital. She'd then drunk with an 'old friend' - 53 year old George Charles. While Margaret was in "a comatose state", the 'friend' had sex with her - this being 1995, it seems the news reporting needed no consideration of her inability to consent - & suffocated her. The Judge said: 'I am entirely satisfied, as was the jury, that there was no intention to cause serious injury'. Manslaughter, 5 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344597350-JO6THUYD4RXSCIFAVW1S/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - TRACEY COWLEY, 24 1993, Staffordshire Tracey, who had a 19 month old daughter, was found in a roadside ditch. Her husband Steve, 31, had killed her and initially tried to make her death look like a robbery gone wrong. Police found he had hidden her wedding rings in a packet of Daz, and when arrested he claimed she had died in a bondage sex act gone wrong - he told police that "It was an accident. She liked being tied up but we went too far". Murder, life https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1561058611000-HJBN49QXEUXKU18Q6SGE/unsplash+download+size.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - HONOR MATTHEWS, 20 1991, Hastings Honor was killed by her boyfriend, Stuart Williamson. He claimed, - and it was accepted by the court- that she died in “consensual practice aimed at giving pleasure.” Honor had been asphyxiated. His previous convictions included, for violence: wounding with intent; common assault; assault occasioning actual bodily harm, and assault on the police. He appealed his sentence of 4 years, and the judges agreed this “unique” case should have a shorter sentence. They did think it “perfectly clear” to anyone indulging in such activity that it was dangerous and should there be a death, would be “very likely to receive a substantial sentence of imprisonment in the future.” Released after 15 months, Stuart Williamson was violently abusive to another partner, and 1 year later stabbed his mother, 47 year old Audrey Fisher, to death at her home. He was committed to Broadmoor. Manslaughter, 3 years (on appeal) https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344606394-WTA2DQVEG63XI0ZAIFDN/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - JANET WILLOUGHBY, 21 1990, Leeds Janet was killed with a snooker cue whilst tied to her bed in a "sickening" assault in her own home, while her boyfriend was out on his milk round. Janet died from internal injuries and after being whipped. Kenneth Anness - then 36 - claimed in court that he had killed her in a sex game gone wrong and was found not guilty of murder, but guilty of manslaughter. Despite having previous convictions for sexual offences the Judge said the jury had found that Anness had not intended to commit serious harm to Janet and sentenced him to seven years. Five years later in Bradford and having changed his name to Kenneth Valentine, he had murdered 25 year old Caroline Creevy and dumped her body in a culvert. When arrested for this, another woman was found imprisoned in his flat. Both Caroline and the imprisoned woman were prostitutes. For this murder Anness/Valentine received a life sentence with 22 year minimum term. Valentine was friends with and neighbour of Stephen Griffiths - a man known as the "Crossbow Cannibal" and while neighbours, both murdered local women. Manslaughter, 7 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344621766-9ZJXBMUP6AQ6JJOQLJWD/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - LORRAINE THOMPSON, 20 1984, Tyne and Wear Lorraine was asphyxiated in what her husband Trevor claimed was an accident, "during a bondage sex session". He said it was her idea to be gagged, it “was always her idea”. Lorraine had spoken with a solicitor's clerk before her killing, to arrange a divorce, to take out a County Court injunction to prevent her husband molesting her. Lorraine said Trevor was violent to her, forced her into degrading sex, and that “ she was scared of him”. A few weeks later, after ending the relationship, Lorraine was dead. The coroner ruled that Lorraine had been unlawfuly killed after "Lorraine had been bound and gagged by her husband" - and that her husband should face charges of manslaughter (the coroner said he didn't believe that Trevor intended her to die). Despite this, and despite pleas from Lorraine's grandmother Diane and their MP, the Director for Public Prosecutions and the Attorney General declined to bring charges against Lorraine's husband. In 1985 Lorraine's grandmother said: “I feel very bitter and very let down by the law.” “What really upsets us is the assassination of Lorraine's good name.” No charges brought https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548344699115-IN6EVS77OAOH07XZ4FAF/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women and Girls - UK - Dorothy McGran, 45 1982, Co. Durham Dorothy was from Easterhouse in Glasgow, and met the man who killed her by responding to a lonely hearts ad. Vincent Mulholland, then 27, was in Rampton secure hospital when he placed the advert. He had been in Rampton since chloroforming and attempting to rape a woman on a train in Germany. He - according to evidence given - killed Dorothy in a “kinky sex session” by tying “tights round her neck during lovemaking”. Although found not guilty of murder, he was convicted of manslaughter due to diminished responsibility. As part of this sentence, Mulholland was a reserved patient of the secure hospital - who could not be released without the permission of the Home Secretary. Manslaughter, diminished responsibility, 12 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1555366028693-Y7RIPN5JZG1B8PB6S72R/pat+malone.PNG The Women and Girls - UK - PAT MALONE, 22 1980, Walthamstow Pat, from Middlesborough - described by her step-brother as “happy go lucky, and “the kind of girl who would decide to do something and no one would be able to stop her” is killed by Peter Swindell, 40, a policeman. Pat was a prostitute at Kings Cross and may have moved to London to avoid the Yorkshire Ripper. She was a lesbian and was described in news reports as “Butch Pat” and “heavily tattooed with the names of her former female lovers”. The court heard that Swindell was "a man obsessed with bondage" and that bondage pornography was found at his home, including photos he had taken of women feigning death in nooses. One woman, who had been going out with Swindell, spent a "night of fear" in his home when she was late to meet him: he tied her to a cross and put a hood over her head, before leaving her overnight. Described as “a respectable woman and not a prostitute”, he had shouted at her “this will teach you to let me down and refuse to marry me”. Pat’s cause of death was not established although it was likely she suffocated. Swindell’s defence was that she may have died of heart failure while tied up. Swindell dismembered Pat's body in the bath, and hid her remains, wrapped in plastic, in Epping Forest. He was not charged with murder as the Director of Public Prosecutions said the evidence did not reveal an intention to kill or cause grievous bodily harm to Pat. Swindell was cleared of manslaughter and sentenced to five years, later reduced on appeal, for preventing the burial of Pat's body. Not guilty https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1556732993333-TSRUY0VLXAZNLLIVKEW4/vivien+scott.PNG The Women and Girls - UK - VIVIEN SCOTT, 19 1979, South Shields Vivien is strangled by John Dudgeon (aka John Taylor) "when he was a 21-year old DJ in his home town, he suffocated 19-year old Vivienne [sic] Scott, who had refused him sex." Taylor dumped her body, wrapped in rope, plastic and a piece of carpet near his home "and later claimed her death was the result of a prank which had gone wrong during a sex game." Taylor said “I thought she was enjoying the whole thing”. He had asphyxiated her for six minutes. The judge said Vivien died after "horseplay". Dudgeon's defence QC said "his mistake was not seeking help when Vivien had died, if he had he would probably not even been on trial for manslaughter." Seventeen months after release, Dudgeon went on to rape and attempt to murder a woman in her home, and a few months after release from a sentence for that crime, murder a woman in the "Sheffield Snooker Hall" murder, where he broke Susan McNamara's neck and then strangled her. Manslaughter, 4 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1557949082228-4GVD9C92SJ281VFV018F/carole+califano.PNG The Women and Girls - UK - Carole Califano, 28 1972, Norfolk Carole, described as “charming and loveable” had an 8-year old daughter. Carole was killed by her partner, Peter Drinkwater, 38. He injected her with 5 anaesthetics as a part of - he claimed - “erotic practices” “at her request”, because of the pain caused by “these practices”, which he photographed. The judge was convinced he took the staged pornographic photos as she lay dying. Her death was reported as “perverted sex”, “sexplay killing”, that she had died during “sexual malpractices”. Drinkwater told the court of her “perverted sexual desires”. At first he claimed she had killed herself. Drinkwater had three previous convictions for dangerous driving, including one where he had killed a man; his previous wife had divorced him due to “cruelty” including regular violent assaults; he punched a man who was driving, causing a serious crash. Carole’s parents said when she met Drinkwater “everything started to go wrong, we tried to stop her seeing him but she seemed to be in his power”. Carole had been planning to leave him. He was cleared of murder. Manslaughter, 12 years https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/5c49b9ed42bfc14525315994/5d3602c57f24480001ced001/1566651764436/ The Women and Girls - UK https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog daily 0.75 2024-02-14 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1561058611000-HJBN49QXEUXKU18Q6SGE/unsplash+download+size.jpg blog https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2024/2/14/perverts-to-get-more-time-in-jail-for-rough-sex-killings-our-response monthly 0.5 2024-02-14 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2024/2/13/a-survey-on-porn-and-an-update-on-the-campaign monthly 0.5 2024-02-14 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2021/11/12/wcctt-and-cwj-statement-on-sam-pybus-court-of-appeal-judgement monthly 0.5 2021-11-12 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/12/21/the-horrifying-harms-of-choking-new-research monthly 0.5 2020-12-21 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/12/21/read-our-research-on-rough-sex-defences-in-england-and-wales monthly 0.5 2020-12-21 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/7/7/we-asked-you-to-act-now-to-change-the-law-in-england-and-wales-you-did monthly 0.5 2020-10-02 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1601659754443-2KCLAMAMBCKXY9XWNUIT/image-asset.jpeg blog - We asked you to Act Now to change the law in England and Wales - you did! https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/7/6/thrilled-mps-voted-to-end-rough-sex-defences-in-the-dabill monthly 0.5 2020-10-02 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/7/6/were-happy-to-call-this-a-victory monthly 0.5 2020-10-02 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/new-store monthly 0.5 2020-06-30 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1593505344380-I7IRUU3R0957YD6M6QDZ/IMG_20200501_075550_267.jpg blog - We have a store! https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1593505371095-B38TCV2JD0HUKK45HLIT/IMG_20200501_075550_270.jpg blog - We have a store! https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1593505356676-XO4K929UZZXTH8ZLAZZR/IMG_20200501_075550_268.jpg blog - We have a store! https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/10/2/today-was-a-big-move-forward-over-to-the-government monthly 0.5 2020-10-02 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2020/2/24/get-support monthly 0.5 2020-02-24 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/do-these-defences-work monthly 0.5 2020-02-18 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574181791962-URXDE5OIBJMIP1KV0B4P/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg blog - Does claiming a "sex game gone wrong" work? - In the last 5 years, 18 women have been killed in claimed “sex games” 18 UK women and girls have been killed by men who claim ‘'she consented” to the violence. 17 have reached trial and 10 of those found guilty of murder. #WeCantConsentToThis https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/8/16/in-the-news-the-fatal-hateful-rise-of-choking-during-sex monthly 0.5 2019-08-16 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/7/22/mps-harriet-harman-and-mark-garnier-take-action-on-rough-sex-defences monthly 0.5 2019-08-21 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/7/3/who-uses-this-defence monthly 0.5 2019-11-19 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/6/20/in-the-news-why-are-so-many-women-dying-in-sex-games-gone-wrong monthly 0.5 2019-07-03 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/6/19/draft-domestic-abuse-bill-our-submission monthly 0.5 2019-11-19 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/2019/4/27/in-the-news-a-fifty-shades-of-grey-area-over-violent-sex monthly 0.5 2019-07-03 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/tag/Findings monthly 0.5 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/tag/InTheNews monthly 0.5 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/tag/uk monthly 0.5 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/blog/tag/lawandpolicy monthly 0.5 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/stories daily 0.75 2021-11-23 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A police officer working in domestic and sexual violence I have noticed a huge increase in the number of women and girls reporting to me that they are (at best) persuaded and (at worst) forced by men into degrading sex acts that they don’t enjoy (spitting, choking, smacking, filthy language etc.). It’s horrible to listen to but a million times worse for them to experience. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 30s I met a man in his early 40s on a BDSM website. He’d gone to a lot of effort with his profile and came across as intelligent, worldly, liberal minded and kind-hearted, working in wildlife conservation. Definitely someone who was serious about finding a long-term partner - or so I thought. He stated he was a dominant, into bondage amongst other things too so I made clear to him that I was only into the bondage part of BDSM and, even then, would only consider having more than “vanilla” sex with someone I was in a long-term relationship with (i.e trust developed over a period of time). He’d agreed this was crucial too. After a rocky first month of dating where he threw in the towel twice when I said something in conversation he didn’t like, we finally ended up having sex. It was one of the worst sexual experiences of my life. I hadn’t been sexually activity for a while after a bad breakup so muscles were understandably tight which I warned him about the need to be gentle. But, rather than show patience and care he just got frustrated, ordered me to change position and told me to relax whilst he kept trying to push inside of me. He choked me 3 times too, usually when he spotted I was starting to enjoy myself more, which I was really shocked by and uncomfortable with but didn’t want him to get angry and leave if I asked him to stop so just pretended to like it. He bit my nipples so hard though that I eventually screamed and told him again that I don’t do the pain part of BDSM. He stopped and apologised but still continued to apply excessive force to my shoulders, arms and breasts repeatedly any time he spotted I was enjoying myself. Whilst I’m pretty strong compared to your average women, I’m still only 8st 7 and 5ft 5 whilst he was nearly 18st and 6ft 6 so you can imagine how sore I was for days following. Afterwards he left almost immediately and, messaging later, said he found it off-putting that I voiced what I wanted less or more of. He also complained that I was the only person never to give him oral sex first time. He made me feel guilty for not performing better for him initially! I should have ended it then but, I felt so awful that I tried to kid myself on that it was just bad first sex and it was definitely worth trying another few times before ending things. So I arranged to see him again. I also suggested we communicate boundaries in advance if during was too off-putting for him. He messaged the next morning though to say we “he knew we just weren’t destined for each other” and should just be friends. I deleted his number immediately and haven’t messaged again but he already mentioned having sex with 15 other women in the last 9 months off of dating sites...how many of them found themselves in the same position? How many more will he get away doing this to? I’m usually really confident re what I need and want when it comes to most things in life but even I found myself vulnerable. What is really concerning is that he genuinely believed he is “tender” lover and “not like most other men” as he always puts women’s pleasure first! That certainly couldn’t have been further from the truth - it felt like a porn film! Now I’ve been left feeling so angry that, despite working for services assisting those experiencing domestic abuse, I couldn’t even acknowledge that I was suffering a form of both emotional and physical abuse myself whilst with this man. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her mid 30s 7 years ago I had my last one night stand. After many years in an abusive relationship, I finally got out but was surviving by meeting men in clubs and trying to claw back some of my power as an individual by having one night stands. One one night after meeting a guy, some point later I was having consensual sex with him and he started to choke me without warning. I was shocked but as I was drunk, I had the confidence to push him off me and punch him in the face, allbeit fairly pathetically as it’s not something id ever done before. He was then really shocked that I had tried to hit him and said that he thought I would like it as I was an older, more experienced woman that I would enjoy it. For context he was in his early 20’s and I was in my late 20’s. I explained that I took it as an attack and not a pleasurable thing. I was really confused by this and still in shock as I thought he was trying to kill me but he thought it would turn me on, or at least said that. I ended up speaking to the police who picked me up and took me home. They were two young male officers who when I spoke to them told me to sleep on it as I was drunk, that I had no marks or bruising so they couldn’t really do anything but that if I was really serious about reporting him then I should go to the police station in the morning to report what happened. Despite the fact that I was in their car and had told them what happened. The next day I weighed this up and actually felt like my sex life and personal business would be dragged through court / press and I had no evidence of what had happened so I felt unable to pursue this further at the time. I never told anyone then and I stopped drinking and going out to pubs or bars or clubs. The reaction of the police made me feel like I wouldn’t be taken seriously. Eventually I told a friend who was supportive and I reached out to the club I had been in that night to ask if anything like this had happened before. They said that the police had an open log of similar reports where women had had violence against them by one or two men who went there regularly that the club had told them about but they couldn’t do anything without the women coming forward. There was no publicity about this, no warnings or information shared that would make women aware that this was happening. I have revisited this night more and more recently and have been able to begin to deal with what happened. I contacted the police with a freedom of information request and they had no record of the incident logged. I have now realised that there have been other incidents where I had not given consent for sex, not given consent for particular acts during sex and have had violence perpetrated against me during sex, have been sexually assaulted and I have also had non-sexual violence, including strangulation during the abusive relationship. None of these men have had any repercussions from what happened which makes me angry sometimes. And many times I just put this down to bad sexual experiences and even continued relationships and sexual encounters with these men. One of the biggest things for me was being able to frame this myself. It felt like such a grey area, it didn’t feel like rape, it didn’t feel like a sexual assault and when I described it as sexual assault people wouldn’t understand what I meant. Understanding that it was sexual violence has helped me heal in a way and hearing people have gone through similar things, whilst upsetting and it’s not ok, it truly has helped so much to understand my story and the things that have happened to me. Thank you for this space and for the others who have shared. I stand with you all x https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her mid 30s It was a 'friends with benefits' situation (his decision, not mine). We'd been casually sleeping together for a month or two. One night, during sober, consensual sex, he asked me if he could choke me. I said no, which he seemed ok with. But a few minutes later he did it anyway. This stocky 6ft man looming over me pressed hard on my throat with the palm of his hand so that I couldn't breath. It came out of nowhere and it was terrifying. It lasted a few seconds, and then I managed to push him off. I sat up and turned away from him, bursting into tears in shock. He looked embarrassed, and apologised, but I felt violated. I laughed it off with friends in the pub later. I didn't want to admit to myself or anyone else how serious an incident it was. I also felt embarrassed and shameful, as if I was 'vanilla' and boring for not wanting it. The experience stayed with me a for a long time afterward, and I sought therapy to come to terms with the trauma it inflicted. In that moment he didn't see me for me, he didn't think about my feelings or wishes. He saw my body as his play thing, an empty shell for him to do with as he liked. Ultimately, I said no. And he did it anyway. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her late 20s It’s usually only once an incident is over or a relationship finished that you realise what happened was wrong. The last man I dated thought of himself as attentive and great during sex. However, I now realise there were red flags. Some times he would try and initiate sex and, if I was not in the mood for it, I would make it clear to him that I did not want to have sex. He would stop, but then try to initiate again. And again. And again. Eventually, after saying no 4 or 5 times, I would give up and just lay there, let him do what he wanted to do and then at least he would leave me alone. This happened about 5 or 6 times in a year long relationship. The same man would also try to initiate anal when I said no. If I said no he would say okay, but then still try to use a finger or ‘accidentally’ try to put his penis in my anus. He would do this at least 3 times during most times we had sex and would laugh at me when I told him that it was still no. It made me worry about boundaries and would upset and embarrass me as he did not seem to understand what was wrong with doing that. I did not understand why he would not accept ‘no’ and would also feel like I let myself down when I just gave in. I still feel like that a year since the split. Once, he got drunk and grabbed me around my throat in a rage and applied pressure. He did not stop until he wanted to stop. I never reported this and I have only told one friend since. I think the porn industry has a role to play but also that these men never face repercussions as the lines of consent seem to be so blurred in law and used against the victims. I feel humiliated that I let him use me in the way he did, but I just want to move on from that part of my life. It has put me on edge with regards to dating and taking things to the next level and trusting people in a sexual way. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her mid 20s I had only had sex with about 4 people prior to this one. Always hookups and I was pretty inexperienced. This guy from my university came over and was self aggrandizing from the start, which was a red flag. We started kissing on my couch and moved further. I asked him if he had a condom and he responded "No, because I didn't know we would be doing this" ...which was a complete lie. I told him I had some next to my bed and kept asking him if we could go there, but he refused. At this point, I was getting uncomfortable but reached a point where I was going through the motions. All of a sudden, he penetrated me with no condom. I dissociated and again, kept going through the motions. At one point he also put his hands around my neck. As an adult with a past of witnessing domestic violence as a child, this was not something I will ever agree to. I felt paralyzed and he seemed to tell by my face that I was shocked and said "Oh are you not into that." I shook my head and he removed his hands, continuing on without a condom. He stopped once he thought he was about to climax and proceeded to say goodbye and left. I was left feeling uncomfortable and broke down crying but chocked it up to insecurity or something. I have immense anxiety and OCD and spent the next week buying numerous pregnancy tests even though I was on birth control. One part of this story that is perhaps the hardest to hear is that I told a female friend at the time what had happened without calling it rape, instead saying that he was just a rude, entitled boy. She laughed and stated that men are like that and continued to make fun of me for my fear of pregnancy. A couple days later, the man (or should I say boy) texted me asking when we could meet up again. It took a lot of courage because I feared retaliation, but I told him I didn't want to see him again. He asked why. and I told him "I said I wanted you to wear a condom and you didn't". He apologized profusely and said that if I ever wanted to meet up for coffee to talk about our general work, to let him know. I was stunned by that. It has taken almost a year for me to finally accept that that experience was rape. I still feel so uncomfortable saying that as I know there are thousands of women who have gone through much worse. I am lucky to have other friends with which I shared this story over time who were extremely considered about my mental well being. In fact, I didn't consider this rape and just laughed about it until I confided in a close friend and she asked, very concerned "Are you ok?" That was when I realized I wasn't. I haven't had sex since then and am angry that this has added to my distrust of men. I want to be in a stable relationship at last at this point in my life, and I do feel like this being added another layer I now have to unpack. It makes me mad and sad and tired. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 20s It’s usually only once an incident is over or a relationship finished that you realise what happened was wrong. The last man I dated thought of himself as attentive and great during sex. However, I now realise there were red flags. Some times he would try and initiate sex and, if I was not in the mood for it, I would make it clear to him that I did not want to have sex. He would stop, but then try to initiate again. And again. And again. Eventually, after saying no 4 or 5 times, I would give up and just lay there, let him do what he wanted to do and then at least he would leave me alone. This happened about 5 or 6 times in a year long relationship. The same man would also try to initiate anal when I said no. If I said no he would say okay, but then still try to use a finger or ‘accidentally’ try to put his penis in my anus. He would do this at least 3 times during most times we had sex and would laugh at me when I told him that it was still no. It made me worry about boundaries and would upset and embarrass me as he did not seem to understand what was wrong with doing that. I did not understand why he would not accept ‘no’ and would also feel like I let myself down when I just gave in. I still feel like that a year since the split. Once, he got drunk and grabbed me around my throat in a rage and applied pressure. He did not stop until he wanted to stop. I never reported this and I have only told one friend since. I think the porn industry has a role to play but also that these men never face repercussions as the lines of consent seem to be so blurred in law and used against the victims. I feel humiliated that I let him use me in the way he did, but I just want to move on from that part of my life. It has put me on edge with regards to dating and taking things to the next level and trusting people in a sexual way. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her mid 30s I started seeing a man I met via a dating site. One night we were out and decided to go back to his together. We had a few drinks down, and things started to turn sexual. I had mentioned over conversation prior that I’m somewhat into hair pulling, spanking, as I like to explicitly discuss likes and dislikes before it goes to the bedroom. I had stated wry clearly that choking is not for me. That I have a thyroid issue and that it actually hurts my throat. I told him I don’t judge anyone who’s into that if it’s done safely, but I don’t enjoy it, though I did down play just how much I don’t like it to not come across as too vanilla. Still- it was explicitly explained that I don’t want it. We get to his bed and start having sex. He pulls my hair a bit, harder than I expected but I enjoyed that. He could probably tell that I was surprised and also turned on by that. He began to get on top of me and penetrate me pretty hard, and put a hand on my neck. I immediately looked at him and said “I just told you I don’t like that!” He acted like he forgot because he had been drinking. We carried on and he didn’t try again that night. Over the course of the next few times we slept together, he would get excited and act like he forgot. A couple times it was when we were about to climax, and that made it hard for me to withdraw consent. I feel he knew this. Each time I clearly reiterated I want him to stop trying to choke me. Each time he would gaslight me that it was an innocent mistake and most women liked it- and suggested that since I like other kinky things I should not mind being choked. I told him if it was something he really needed to incorporate we needed boundaries around it so I felt safe and heard. He didn’t like that, as I now clearly remember the smirk on his face when he would do it. He was grooming me to give in and seeing if he could control me. That’s what he was getting off on. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her late 30s I went on 3 dates with a guy and on the 3rd date he came back to my flat. I agreed to consensual protected sex. Out of nowhere, he put his hands around my neck and started squeezing my neck. He didn't ask for consent. I was really scared. He then asked it if was ok, I was so scared and in shock I kind of mumbled yes. Then he squeezed again so hard that I couldn't breathe at all. I gasped for air, he released his hands and said sorry. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 20s I had been dating a guy who came across as very morally aware, and we had discussed rape and consent. About a month in we were having consensual sex for the first time and without any discussion or warning he put his hands around my throat and started choking me, I shook him off and told him that I was not ok with that. I felt quite uncomfortable and flustered but continued to have sex with him. Once I was removed from the situation I saw it with clarity and wished I had not continued to have sex and instead asked him to leave. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581845340007-UJN3TWXUPXJNBYRUJF19/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her late teens I was in a long distance relationship for 6 months, we met abroad whilst I was working for him and there was a 10 year age gap. He would often slap me in my face, choke me, spit in my face and call me degrading names whilst we had sex. However, one night he overstepped the mark. He repeatedly slapped me across the face very hard. Dragged me around by my hair and called me racist names in the lead up to sex. I was crying hysterically and begging him to stop. I told him that he was really hurting me and asked him to stop several times until I had nothing left in me and gave up. In those moments, I did not want to have sex with him, I wanted nothing other than for him to stop hurting me and realize that I was scared of him. The next morning he joked and said it turned him on to know how frightened I was. If there was something I was uncomfortable trying, he would bribe me with a new dress. I have since blocked him following that awful night and will not see him again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her late 20s I met a man at a wedding. We got on well, and talked most of the day and evening. We went out clubbing together after the wedding was over, kissed a few times, and then I went back to his flat. We were in bed, kissing, etc. He put his hand to my throat, fairly lightly. I immediately grabbed his hands away and said "I'm not into that sort of thing". Fine. Carried on kissing. His hands came back to my throat, with some pressure this time. I tried to pull his hands away and sort of sat up and turned away from him, and said again "I'm really not into that. Don't do it". He apologised, and said he wouldn't. We went back to kissing and he suddenly grabbed me tight around the throat with both hands. I tried to fight him off, and he slapped me a few times on my body. He sort of pinched me really hard too - all over. I've never experienced or heard of anything like that. All the while he was squeezing my throat. I was trying to fight him off, kicking, grabbing. I don't know if he stopped himself, or if one of my attempts to kick and hit him hurt, but he just stopped, and got off the bed. I grabbed my things, and was getting ready to leave. He came in with a cup of tea and started talking about how beautiful I was. I drank the tea. He fell asleep on the sofa. Then I left. I had bruises and red patches all over my body, and bruises in the shape of hand prints around my neck for over a week afterwards. We didn't even have sex. It was so weird. He didn't orgasm or anything. What was the point of it all for him? I want to share this story, because I had previously had men try to strangle me during sex, and had frozen and always thought if I had just made it clear from the beginning then I wouldn't have had it happen. But this experience showed me that I couldn't have done anything differently. These men still try to choke you. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 50s I was married. We had two children. My ex-husband had been abusive for some years. He regularly pursued me for sex even though I did not want to. Many nights I just lay there and let him do it. Please don’t ask why we were still together, I really don’t have an answer for you. We had been to a party, we had both had a few drinks. We came home and consensual sex was initiated in the living room. Part way through I said I did not want to carry on. I got up and went upstairs to our bedroom. Our children were asleep in neighbouring rooms. My ex-husband followed me into the bedroom and began to attack and rape me. I was trying to stop him but then he started to strangle me. He continued to try to penetrate me, then lost his erection. This made him more angry and violent. At this point I thought I was going to die and all I could think was that my eight-year-old son would find me the next morning. I am not sure whether I fought my ex-husband off or he realised how close he was to killing me, but he stopped attacking me and fled. I got up, locked all the doors and knew it was over. That was the day it ended. Even now, I believe people will judge me and suggest it was probably my fault for not wanting to continue having sex once we had started. Reading about the Grace Millane case, the ‘rough sex gone wrong’ defence and the We Can’t Consent to This campaign, I have revisited that night from 18 years ago and know that if he had killed me, he would have defended himself with that exact defence, and he would have made the world believe that in some way it had been my fault. Troublingly, I now am now feeling survivor guilt and some strange misplaced gratitude toward my ex-husband for not killing me. I am finding this very difficult to handle. Even if a man and a woman are not engaging in rough sex (we didn’t have a habit of that) once the woman is dead all the man has to say is that the intercourse was rough and it had gone wrong. Sadly if a woman says no but the man won’t stop he generally has the strength to do what he wants. In my situation, having been married for years and with very few people suspecting that my ex-husband was abusive, I’m sure my death would have been treated as a tragic accident. My thoughts go out to the families of all those women on the website who lost their lives. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 20s I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years just before starting university. He had been violent towards me and I was in a dark place. I got into the habit of bringing boys home from clubs so that I didn’t have to sleep alone. I never really liked the sex, it was often rough and I often allowed things that I shouldn’t have, but I was young and thought that the company was worth it. It never occurred to me that I didn’t have to do what they said and could have the company without being violated. When I got to second year things culminated when I started seeing a guy. He liked rough sex but it never crossed a line and I felt comfortable telling him when he was strangling me - which in hind sight I’m angry that I ever had to. One night he came to my house when I was asleep, he was out of his mind on drugs and started to have really aggressive sex with me. He pushed my face onto the carpet, bending my neck at a rough angle and grazing my face. He then forced my face into the bed so I couldn’t breathe. I had to claw into him to get him off as my screams were muffled. I ran downstairs and he passed out on my floor. In the morning he hadn’t remembered anything. He asked me to go for breakfast and I honestly can’t believe that I was too humiliated to tell him what happened. I was so embarrassed and confused that I said yes. At the cafe I just kept thinking what the hell am I doing here? After that I never brought a guy home again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, in her 30s I had a one night stand a while ago with someone pretty high profile in his field who choked me without asking or consent. He's still in touch and spent a while texting demanding nude photos/videos and calling me a bitch when I said no, and sent me videos of women masturbating. It's nowhere near the same level as other people experience, but as someone recently single after 10 years of being in relationships, the apparent increase in sexual violence does make me concerned about dating - I'm pretty open about my feminism and hatred of porn which I'd like to think weeds out some of the awful men. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 20s From when I was around 12-16 years old I watched a lot of porn, mainly because I saw myself as 'one of the lads' and wanted to try and be a bit edgy, but also because it was the way everyone else seemed to be exploring their sexuality. Now I'm early 20s, with a radical feminist head on my shoulders, and I feel sickened when I think about the way I let myself be treated in relationships due to it's influence. I'm currently receiving ongoing therapy for body dysmorphia and I struggle to feel like I'm physically 'good enough' in any relationship, probably due to my past consumption of porn and my fears of how it has influenced the brains of the men I date. I had my first proper sexual relationship when I was 15 years old. My boyfriend at the time was only a few years older than me and I stayed at his house most weekends. I was aware that he watched porn due to our discussions about it, I also found evidence on his laptop history pretty regularly. Since I'd never really had sex before I managed to convince myself that I liked it 'rough' based pretty much entirely on my porn usage, and also because I wanted to impress my boyfriend. He started to abuse benzodiazepines and I can recall a few times he'd been taking them when sex would get particularly rough and I'd have to stop because he'd taken it too far and upset me by hitting me too hard, as if he was in some fit of drug induced rage and was taking it out on my body. However, his actions would also upset me during sex when he was sober too - he'd often try to sneak anal sex in during vaginal sex, even though I'd told him that it hurt a lot and I wasn't prepared to try this yet. I knew that he had an anal sex fetish from his internet history, so I eventually gave in and let him do it to me, pretending that I enjoyed it the whole time. I think the main motivation for letting this happen was because I was feeling jealous about how he'd only look it up online and watch videos of it involving far more 'attractive' women if he didn't get to do it to me. I had invited acts like choking into the bedroom for similar reasons but again, it just felt like it was mainly for show. Oddly enough, he was always wary about choking me too hard incase anything went wrong, but was happy to bruise me elsewhere and yank me around by the hair as if I was made of rubber. It wasn't until I was with someone else a few years later til I realised that rough sex was never my thing, and that sex is far greater when it's loving and passionate. It terrifies me that thanks to porn so many men think that violence against women is acceptable in the bedroom and I'm scared of meeting someone like that again in the future. Thankfully I'm in a long term relationship and don't have to worry about it happening to me, but I fear for the safety of my friends who go on one night stands. https://static1.squarespace.com/static/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/5dc46d178861194a5c109257/5dc46d3a9c76191c3d9382a9/1573154106242/ Stories https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 20s I was in both a romantic and BDSM relationship with an older, very experienced dominant. It was my first experience as a submissive, and for the most part he was responsible and responsive when I used my safewords. We had multiple BDSM meets and the relationship lasted several months. Early on we established in writing my hard limits (sexual acts I would never give consent to), and top of the list was “breath play” (asphyxiation). I made it explicitly clear to him that breath play was my biggest fear and I would never consent to doing it. In the midst of one of our regular BDSM sessions, my hands were tied together and I was lying down on the floor and the man sat on my face for an abnormally long period of time. I couldn’t use my hands to subtly push him off, and I obviously couldn’t use my mouth to say my safewords. I started to wriggle underneath him and make whatever loud, distorted noises I could with my mouth to get him to realise that I wasn’t okay. Eventually he stood up and as he walked away from me he actually laughed and said the words, “breath play”. As I was regaining my breath I was absolutely paralysed with fear on the floor. I felt as if my entire body had been violated. I wanted desperately to yell out my safeword and end the entire session, but all I could do was remain lying there terrified. In that moment it was my responsibility to say my safeword; he had crossed a very explicit boundary and I had to tell him. But in the moment all I could do was lie there, my head screaming “I did not consent to this”. He continued with the session, but my body was not as responsive as it usually was. I would simply remain in rigid positions, cowering with fear. For the first time, I started crying during our session. I couldn’t stop crying and I couldn’t stop feeling as if I hadn’t consented to what had happened. Once he had said those two words, all trust and faith had disappeared. I did not consent to this. He did eventually realise that my behaviour was uncharacteristic, and ended the session earlier than was normal for us. After it had ended I ran to his bathroom and locked the door. I broke down crying, unable to look at myself in the mirror or look at him to confront him. For months I blamed myself. He had crossed the line but I was the one that did not immediately reprimand him for it. But now I realise that he was the one who was truly in the wrong. He had written and verbal confirmation of activities I would never consent to him doing and yet he did one anyway, and actually laughed as he did it. My advice to anyone embarking on BDSM relationships is this: outline all of your hard limits to your partner and NEVER fear using your safe words. If you feel violated or abused in any non-consensual way then you need to tell them what is going on. You have the right to withdraw consent if your partner is doing something you have told them you do not want to do. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, now in her 20s As a teenager, I considered myself into BDSM, and one night I went home drunk with somebody from a dating site and agreed to let him choke me at some point. During sex, he suddenly choked me really hard until I passed out, and I was too drunk and surprised to fight back. My throat and neck were extremely painful for over a week, and I could barely speak. Now that I know more about oxygen deprivation, I realise I am lucky to not have been brain damaged or worse. I felt unable to report his violence against me because I had supposedly consented to it. I now feel that the kind of person able to do this to a woman is dangerous and hateful. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A police officer working in domestic and sexual violence I have noticed a huge increase in the number of women and girls reporting to me that they are (at best) persuaded and (at worst) forced by men into degrading sex acts that they don’t enjoy (spitting, choking, smacking, filthy language etc.). It’s horrible to listen to but a million times worse for them to experience. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, now in her 30s I was strangled during sex by a man I had been going out with - I guess he was my boyfriend. He was a lot older and he was a big bloke - I was in my early 20s then. I was terrified. He stopped, before I passed out. Earlier that day we'd discussed a woman killed in a “sex game gone wrong” killing. “Who'd want to do that?” I asked. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 20s I’ve had between ten and fifteen partners. Five of those have at some point put their hands around my throat, and anal has been raised, whether ‘undertaken’ or not, with three of them. Slapping, either on my body or my face, eight of them, and not one checked first. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 30s Had one boyfriend that wanted to trash talk me during sex and slap me. The worst thing was that there was no discussion about it or even an inkling that he was into that. He just randomly started one day during sex. It didn't last. My best friend used to work as a cam girl, the things that men want to see and get off on women doing and saying is chilling, as was the escalation of some of the request getting more and more violent and demeaning as time went on, and other requests were fulfilled. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman About ten years ago, after the break-up of my marriage, I went to a club, got very drunk, met a guy and brought him back home. Whilst we were having sex, he suddenly put his hand on my throat and started to squeeze. There had been no discussion about this, there was no warning. I started fighting, trying to get him off me. I think he thought I was enjoying it and squeezed harder. In the end, I hit him with a lamp. He was really upset - had thought we were having "great sex". I put him straight and kicked him out. That was the last man I ever slept with. I have a girlfriend now, but I went about six years not letting anyone near me. And I never will let a man near me again. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 20s I went on a date with a guy from college. When I get back to his and we got into bed, he tied me up and gagged me. I didn’t feel like I could say no as I was scared of his reaction. He also strangled me and as we hadn’t agreed on a safe word I was scared as to whether he would stop. It was irresponsible on my behalf to not demand a safe word or have a conversation about consent beforehand, but for this guy to choke me, tie me up and gag me without even thinking about consent is really messed up. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman I once was dating a guy who slapped me the first time we had sex. We talked about consent, and everything we wanted to do and he never mentioned it. He slapped me so hard he left me bright red, and was totally shocked when I stopped sex and told him he couldn't do that. I have also had more than one partner tried to choke me during sex, without asking. One was a long-term boyfriend and the other was someone I had just started seeing. They both considered choking to be completely normal and not worth asking my consent for. I now get really panicky when anything is around my throat, there are some outfits I even had to stop wearing because they had tighter collars. The only thread I can think of that links them all is how normal violent pornography has become. I have talked to lots of my friends who have sex with men and they agree this is becoming common, and it's very frightening. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman My experiences of unbidden sexual violence have been confusing to me. I understand now the importance of consent and responsibility. I also recognise now that previous situations where I didn’t fully consent and simply accepted what was happening because I am submissive were in fact abusive situations. One involved meeting a man who I’d spoken to on a BDSM dating website. I sat in his car and he told me how I ought to be sat, with my legs open, so I obeyed without question. I thought, he is a Dom so this is how things work, he gives orders and I obey. So I followed what he said and went with him to a hotel room. He beat my chest very badly to the point where I had puss weeping out of by breasts. Tape was also put around my mouth and a pillow put over my face. We had no previous conversation about what we were going to be doing and what would be involved. There was no outline of boundaries or concerns. I very naively had just gone about the whole thing as a submissive wanting to please. At the time I thought because I am submissive it doesn’t matter what the Dom wants, I should be a good submissive and do as he likes. This was an incredibly dangerous and reckless attitude for me to have and the man basically did whatever he liked to me and I thought that was acceptable because of the dynamic involved. I didn’t like the fact I had severe bruising to my chest and groin area but at the same time words like abuse or assault never crossed my mind. I accepted the whole abusive situation as something that just happens when you are submissive. I understand now that being submissive isn’t a green light for someone to abuse you and that it also isn’t a green light to let people abuse you either. You have to be responsible with your sexuality. There are a lot of guys who say they are Doms who in fact want to use the title to abuse women. What happened in that hotel room to me was sexual assault. I am sure there will be people who point at my behaviour and I will say yes I should have been much more responsible. I was very young 18 years old and very impressionable. There was another person involved who wasn’t so young and impressionable and clearly did take advantage of my wanting to please and that I’d mentioned being turned on by pain. I appreciate you are probably looking for people not in the kink scene who aren’t openly seeking a situation with dynamics that could justify harm but I would argue that no situation justifies harm. Consent and responsibility should be a part of all sexual situations even if Submissive and Dominant dynamics are a part of that. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, now in her 60s When I was 49 I met the dream man I had waited for all my life. He was a professional gent: educated, suave, well-spoken, gentle, kind, funny. He told me that he had been living for 20 years with a wife who did not want sex for the last 10 and he had resorted to masturbation, using porn to help things along. He had such a charming way about him and was so sweet that I did not take issue even though I don't like porn. I felt sorry for him for being trapped in a sexless relationship for so long. After we'd had sex a few times and I was 100% madly in love with him, he put his hands around my throat during penetration. I stopped dead and asked him what the hell he was doing. He just apologised, took his hands off my neck and carried on, but each time he got close to orgasm one of his hands crept back to my throat. I was quite concerned about this but because I was so crazy about him.I felt frozen. I just hoped he would stop wanting it. But he carried on. Every time we had sex, at some point one or both hands would end up around my throat area. When I tackled him about it outside of the bedroom he gaslighted me: first he denied it, then he admitted that he like to touch me there and eventually he told me he got a kick out of it. I told him not to do it again and he agreed. However, again and again when he lost himself during sex a hand or two would end up on my neck again. When I told him again that I did not like it he told me that lots of women did and I should just relax and "go with it" and I might surprise myself by enjoying it. I just had to "trust" him. I am ashamed to say that I did let him put his hands LOOSELY around my throat so long as he did not press or squeeze in any way. I realised that he could not orgasm without doing it. However, I hated it and could not relax whilst his hands were on my throat. Looking back he was clearly trying to "groom" me into accepting it, using emotional blackmail, gaslighting, making me feel guilty when he did not come. At the time I wanted him so badly as a life partner that I didn't want to make too big a deal of it all. I did not want to face up to the fact that he had learned this in porn and then become dependent on it for his orgasm. I regarded him as a good man who had been ruined by his porn addiction. I am certain that he would never have thought of putting his hands round a woman's throat if he had not seen it in porn. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, in her 40s I came out of a loveless long-term relationship a couple of years ago. I felt unappealing and unwanted. I then met a man 5 years older than me, through a friend. We had fantastic sex, he was a great lover and I was having a great time with him. Then slowly he started to get a little rough with me. It began whilst clasping my head whilst kissing. I wasn't used to it - I joked about him having me in a head-lock. But it got worse and worse, in bed he would be rough, talk roughly to me, he made me bleed. At the time I was in two minds - on the one hand I thought it was a little exciting, new, but on the other hand I was becoming more and more disturbed. It wasn't enough to just have normal sex anymore. He started to pin me down whilst having sex, just a little at first, almost as if he was just testing the water. I didn't stop him. It all ended when he was on top of me whilst having sex and he squeezed both hands around my throat, very tight and his full body weight was on top of me. I couldn't scream or kick, but I just sort of fainted and started choking. I managed to croak out the very words I knew would make him stop, which was, "I will tell <insert his boss' name, who is a friend>" and he finally stopped. I think I let it go on for so long (3 - 4 months) because my self-esteem was so low and I was craving affection. I think about it and I shudder with self-hatred. Was this my fault for letting it carry on for so long? Would he have not stopped if I didn't know his boss? https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 40s With two separate younger men I have experienced having my head forced so I was forced to swallow, and have been slapped violently and completely unexpectedly across the face. It was assault. I froze in shock. I only processed what had happened later. With the first guy I was covered in bruises for a week after how rough he was. Another guy who was being rough I told him to stop what he was doing but he said 'you want it'. The idea of 'sex positivity' and women owning their own sexuality is all wishful thinking if sexual violence is normalised - choosing casual sex isn't much of a liberating experience if all that's on offer is abuse. It gaslights women into thinking they need to be the 'cool girl' who's OK with being assaulted. Casual sex is honestly not worth the gamble for me any more, nor is it satisfying. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 40s I met a guy through Fetlife and consented to mild SM. He was 50, a prison officer and seemed like a nice guy. We'd met for drinks previously then messaged to discuss a sexual encounter. I consented to a mild spanking but once over his knee he began hitting my buttocks so hard I began screaming. But he'd put his hand over my mouth, which I'd explicitly said I did not want, so he couldn't hear me (so he claimed after). He did eventually stop, at which point I asked him to leave. Thankfully he did, because I feared him now. My buttocks turned purple with bruising that took more than a week to go, during which time I could barely sit. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman, a friend Thank you for this page. I shared this with a friend who recently had an unwanted violent experience. The man had not asked for consent. The sex itself was consensual, but then he started to choke her without any prior discussion or consent for that. He is much larger than her, and she was terrified and pushed him off and her throat hurt for days. She was questioning herself if she was overreacting for feeling so terrified, and I shared your website with her. It helped her realize she was not overreacting, and it helped her remove herself from a potentially dangerous situation. Thank you for helping to create awareness. It is crazy that a man saying after he kills a woman that she wanted it can get him off the hook. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 20s I met him when I was 18 and stayed with him for 4 years. The abuse started as psychological but turned physical and sexual around a 8 months into our relationship. He began grabbing my neck and face during arguments, and holding my wrists forcefully. He then began choking me during sex without my consent. On more than one occasion, I hadn’t even consented to having sex. He was always extremely violent and I bled almost every time. He would pull my hair so hard it would actually come out, choke me to the point of almost passing out, hit me so hard he left marks and bruises, and tying me up so tightly it would cut off the circulation. I would cry and bleed after every sexual encounter with him, and suffered multiple tears. On one occasion he choked me so hard I was kicking, struggling and hitting him to stop, I could feel myself about to pass out. He continued until I passed out and I blacked out for a good few minutes. When I came around, he had me pinned down by my wrists and was raping my barely conscious body. At that moment I felt myself leave my body and go into survival mode. I did this every time I had sex from that point onwards. Three years on and I still feel vulnerable. I make myself deliberately unattractive, I tolerate very little and I have my guard up all of the time. My current partner is kind, patient and gentle. I told him very early on about what had happened to me. It makes me angry that that part of my life has to come into new relationships but it’s incredibly important to share my experience, set boundaries, and build up trust. I genuinely believe if I had of stayed with him, he would have killed me. I’m waiting for the day I see my abuser on the news, where I’ll learn he did the same to other girls. The rise of hate porn, male dominant porn, and degrading porn it obscene. It is where boys first experience sex, and it is where they initially learn. Despite what porn depicts, BDSM practices like choking, restraining, hitting, spitting and verbal abuse, are all extremely niche. They should be practiced between two consenting adults in a loving relationship. Looking at the majority of porn available, it would be safe to say that boys would see all of the above as normal ways to have sex. They would wrongly learn that all women enjoy what is being depicted in porn, and that is where the problem lies. Boys then grow into men, and they seldom learn anything different. Their sexual behaviour stays with them into adulthood, without them knowing/learning anything different. The common misconception being that women are for men's experiment and are there for men to dominate is all wrong. Consent needs to be clear, mutual, consistent and prominent. Open the dialogue, ask for consent, have the conversation and never ever assume. You can do irreparable damage to someone. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her early 40s Once when I was about 30 my graduate advisor pressured me to hook up with a man I'd just met at an event. I didn't feel good about it but I gave in to the pressure and hooked up with the guy. He put his hands around my neck and tried to choke me and it still scares me to this day. I stopped the sexual stuff we were doing and asked him to leave shortly afterwards. For months afterwards I could feel his hands on my necks. A few years later I was dating someone and a few times he tried to press his hands on my neck, choking stuff again. I would ask him what he was doing and would tell him I didn't like it and he'd stop, but he'd do it again later. He watched porn sometimes and said he was into kinky things. I told him I wasn't. We ended up getting married but I hated having sex with him because I often felt he treated me like a fetishy object instead of a person. He couldn't look at me in the eyes during sex. He was terrible at expressing emotions. I avoided sex with him and soon divorced him. I now talk about rough sex often to other people in my role as an educator. Too many people are being choked without their consent. We need to talk about it. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman in her 30s I met a man and we went on a few dates. He was the typical sweet talking guy who talked about morals etc. When he first came to my house I was on my period and so I refused sex. He tried to penetrate me anyway, called me disgusting and I excused it away as him being drunk and it was out of character. Then he began with the manipulation and guilt tripping me into things I didn't want to do, like send images of myself. When we had sex he slapped me and forced me to give him oral sex choking me until I was almost sick. He sent me texts explaining how he loved forcing me even though he knew I didn't like it. He then began verbally abusing me. Finally he said he no longer wanted contact, I was that scared of him by that point I tried to ensure we were civil so that I wouldn't be threatened. When I discussed this with my friends, one, a police officer said what had happened was serious and encouraged me to visit the police and report it. It took a year for me to visit the station to which my nightmare got worse. I had to tell the whole story in a waiting room full of people. I had to go into detail about my sex life etc. when others were listening and I was humiliated. The officer who I spoke to alone was wonderful, she went to clarify with a colleague and came back and said it would be reported as rape due to the penetration orally. I was then visited by a detective at home. She told me that I had to accept the new boundaries with the introduction of 50 Shades of Grey. She said that because he had stopped, no crime had been committed and that I hadn't refused. I did say this was impossible with a penis choking me and that I had indicated that I didn't want this with my body. She asked me questions about other things and as I was hysterical at this point, she began answering them herself and noting them down. She made some confusing comments and when I asked for clarification she spoke to me as if I was stupid. Finally she guilt tripped me and said if I did do the video statement and he was found guilty then I would have to live with the fact he would be locked up and be on the Sex Offenders register, which would impact on his kids. She then offered therapy and that paperwork would be send through but it never arrived. I turned to get help but was dismissed and that was the most difficult thing to deal with. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1574182702217-772XNJJ8DMWYOGS587WC/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Stories - A woman I was out very very drunk on a night out. Me and this German guy kinda fancied each other, ended up getting off with each other. I invited him back to mine, I had a free gaff. He was being very friendly and fun. Once we got in he beckoned me to straddle his lap, as ye do, still fully clothed. I thought it was just for a bit of a smooch or whatever but he instantly changed and started pulling my hair really hard and yanking my head about, then grabbed me by the throat really hard and I thought he was going to kill me that night in the flat. Especially as I knew no one would be in. He laid off for a bit and started snogging me, I went along with it cause I didn’t know what else to do. I was still really drunk and didn’t think I would be heard if I shouted for help as my flat is pretty soundproof, you can never hear the neighbours. So he was continuing to get off with me and I was going along with it and thought that maybe it was a one off and that was the end of it. We started undressing to have sex and then he started the throat grabbing and hair pulling, he kept smirking loads when he was doing it, it was really intense. I ended up grabbing him really hard by the throat back and saying “stop grabbing my fucking throat”, pretty assertively. He just laughed. But he didn’t really do it very much anymore. Basically I went along with the foreplay etc for fear that if I didn’t, he would get more aggressive.. https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/the-women-canada daily 0.75 2020-02-16 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581845340007-UJN3TWXUPXJNBYRUJF19/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women - Canada - Debra Novacluse, 52 2016, Kamloops, British Columbia Debra was found dead in a motel in Kamloops. FHe changed his story multiple times before telling police she’d died accidentally in rough sex. His defence have not submitted any evidence, but …., including that she was wearing “sexy lingerie” Trial ongoing https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581845340007-UJN3TWXUPXJNBYRUJF19/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg The Women - Canada - Debra Novacluse, 52 2016, Kamloops, British Columbia Debra was found dead in a motel in Kamloops. FHe changed his story multiple times before telling police she’d died accidentally in rough sex. His defence have not submitted any evidence, but …., including that she was wearing “sexy lingerie” Trial ongoing https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581844780991-GGE97ID2UDDBHO4OWN49/catherine-campbell.jpg The Women - Canada - Catherine Campbell, 36 2015, Halifax, Nova Scotia Catherine was a RCMP officer – a Mountie - and . She’d gone on a first date with a man. He strangled her, dumped her body in a suitcase beside the road. was killed by a man she'd met for a first date. She The trial heard from a previous sexual partner The judge advised the jury that they could use this evidence [global news 15/12/17] to determine whether Catherine had an interest in rough sex. He is appealing his conviction and sentence. Murder, Second Degree, 10 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581843583406-C1WJ65WRM07IR3YJ4JRG/lacey-jones-mcknight-ctv.jpg The Women - Canada - Lacey Jones-McKnight, 20 2012, Calgary, Alberta Lacey was a daughter, sister, friend, whose mom described her as “a kind, gentle, compassionate, loving soul,” killed by a man she’d been in a relationship with: Kristopher Guenther, 32. They had recently ended their relationship. He claimed in court that they ¬¬had had consensual bondage sex, with her hands and ankles bound, and he had ‘choked her’ multiple times in ‘erotic asphyxiation’. He claimed that she’d then died accidentally when they argued over some texts he’d sent to a woman – he said she fell while they ‘tumbled around’ and he put Lacey in a chokehold. He did not call for medical help. This was not what he told his friend, according to her evidence, he in gruesome detail how he carried out [the murder]. He strangled Lacey after an argument, while she pleaded with him to work it out and that she loved him. He’d tied her hands together and as she struggled had taped her mouth and put a plastic bag over her head before strangling her. while she pleaded with him that they could work it out and that she loved him. He told her that he said he was sorry that it had to be this way, but he knew that she would go to the police, and he continued to choke her. The appellant admitted that there had been an argument; that he had choked the deceased a few times; that she might have lost and regained consciousness; that “downstairs” there had been a struggle, that he tied her hands together, but she kept struggling; in response, he put a piece of tape over her mouth and tied her legs together; he admitted to trying to put a bag over her head and then got on top of her and continued to choke her. That she may have been bound and gagged when he strangled her to death. First Degree Murder, 25 years https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581844726882-1XSICV5NZXIEUR29KT18/Cindy%2Bgladue.jpg The Women - Canada - Cindy Gladue, 36 2011, Edmonton, Alberta Cindy was mother to three children, and was from North Eastern Alberta. She was killed by Bradley Barton – he told the court she’d met him for paid sex – in an Edmonton motel room. She was four times the legal drin driving limit. He caused her severe internal injuries, and left her dead or dying while he checked out and went to work. He did not call 911, until much later a coworker told him he should. Barton admitted causing her death, in what he claimed was consensual rough sex, and was tried for murder. His trial included the extraordinary decision to bring Cindy’s pelvic tissue into the courtroom for the jury to inspect. The jury found him not guilty. Not guilty, retrial for manslaughter expected in late 2020 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/dont-walk-alone daily 0.75 2021-03-15 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1615826318822-ITE2OCXQMU5AUVRWWA43/image-asset.png dont walk alone - 1998, Lambeth, London Three street robberies on unsuspecting women in the borough have prompted police to reiterate warnings about walking alone late at night. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1615826318822-ITE2OCXQMU5AUVRWWA43/image-asset.png dont walk alone - 1998, Lambeth, London Three street robberies on unsuspecting women in the borough have prompted police to reiterate warnings about walking alone late at night. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1615826368875-WNRA2LCWOUK8CHMQPNWA/mirror+2021+north+allerton.PNG dont walk alone - 2021, Northallerton, Yorkshire https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1615826887839-RE4QOQKX3FVKWZWQ304D/2019+03+grimsby.PNG dont walk alone - 2019, Grimsby Women should travel with others or use public transport or a licensed private hire operator. They need to travel where it is lit and avoid places which are dark. Plan your route and tell someone the way you are going and when you have arrived safely. https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/aboutus daily 0.75 2025-09-07 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1586208312045-OHSUQVLWFNGOF3A3NN9L/image-asset.jpeg Our work - WE can’t keep doing nothing 2025. With think tank The Other Half, EK Wakeman finds that failure to act on ultraviolent pornography harms has driven an astonishing range of public harms. This clear call to action demands we do something, at last. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1608559419210-59VGPXPVI1EWLY79ZO11/image-asset.jpeg Our work - ‘i thought it was normal’ 2021. Our research briefing on why and how porn violence against women in sex has become normalised. Features Lucy Snow’s findings men who use ‘rough sex’ are often abusive and coercive in other ways. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1608558449495-3IXBH7P4L0BD9Q8QSDPK/image-asset.jpeg Our work - rough sex defences: consent defences and the CJS 2020. read our first in kind analysis on homicides and non fatal assaults in criminal cases in England and Wales. This research by Fiona Mackenzie MBE was prepared for the Domestic Abuse Bill, and includes findings which must still be acted on. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548607274269-8PZBGKYPSP5B1XJ4FGQM/image-asset.jpeg Our work - women’s experiences of violence in sex 2020. Something has gone horribly wrong - nearly 40% of women under 40 have been violently assaulted in sex. Read their stories. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1608559218359-Y5Y8W84NMPGCC5T6QIY8/image-asset.jpeg Our work - strangulation 2020. Read Helen Bichard’s summary of her shocking findings on the particular and intimate harms of strangulation - or ‘choking’. https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1586206041689-LUF966T5YFF918O8W2O5/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Our work - rough sex defences: briefing on uk cases 2019 updated 2020. read our short briefing on prevalence and success of ‘rough sex’ defences in UK homicides https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1548603915407-Y7AML4W2LR1G13G12KIK/ameen-fahmy-341536-unsplash.jpg Our work https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/north-east daily 0.75 2020-02-26 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/london daily 0.75 2020-02-26 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/east-midlands daily 0.75 2020-02-26 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/cookie-policy daily 0.75 2019-10-06 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/actnow daily 0.75 2024-02-05 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/west-midlands daily 0.75 2020-02-07 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/mp-letter-wording daily 0.75 2019-11-06 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/south-west daily 0.75 2020-02-26 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/scotland daily 0.75 2020-02-26 https://wecantconsenttothis.uk/press daily 0.75 2024-07-30 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576894764775-GXEVKV03GXHWU1U8OY9N/grazia+logo.jpg Press 2 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576894764775-GXEVKV03GXHWU1U8OY9N/grazia+logo.jpg Press 18 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581968121402-H4F8RJ5TL8OPOH6L6MS5/Newsweek-Logo.png Press 30 January 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576999325445-G7AQEGRUXX6M8ELKYO30/bbc+sounds+logo.jpg Press 28 November 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576896321119-63H43Q37ZHN8OUEFWHYJ/Independent_logo_logotype.png Press 10 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576601927973-FQMQSVIJPUWZPGPNSRW7/GUARDIAN+LOGO.png Press 27 November 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581967622925-HHNSRR129108BE8F05E6/talk+RADIO+logo.png Press 31 January 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1577000270255-ZOZ859P27WQD36CYM5RY/spinoff+logo.png Press 27 November 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576999929239-ASHDXFIK5J035XLIU2NT/1200px-BBC_News_2019.svg.png Press 6 July 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576897870123-84HFP46NLBA5Z46WD8MT/daily-mail-logo-preview.png Press 5 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1579110857073-61Y24K9KJWH8SQ0G0IO6/standard+issue+logo.jpg Press 4 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576892131644-YPC15LBJEBW5SVLN9W7W/the-sunday-times-logo.png Press 31 May 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576999929239-ASHDXFIK5J035XLIU2NT/1200px-BBC_News_2019.svg.png Press 17 June 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576999929239-ASHDXFIK5J035XLIU2NT/1200px-BBC_News_2019.svg.png Press 28 November 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1579111683101-Q5GE23UYBPADBUE55JAO/GUARDIAN+LOGO.png Press 25 July 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1608548025576-WDIKQ7S6C6XG6FKRZC2F/the-mail-on-sunday-vector-logo.png Press 24 October 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1583080788295-YUKF1AK5EVP1X9LTA62J/cnn+logo.png Press 21 February 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576896874940-H90N3WWFCKPI1MO30O7J/The-observer-logo.png Press 8 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576601434774-OQ06MLPJQRN9SZJD663U/IMG_20191124_092703.jpg Press 23 November 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576892131644-YPC15LBJEBW5SVLN9W7W/the-sunday-times-logo.png Press 26 January 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1581969425700-KT383FQV4SQMY2UCKEKT/policyoptions.jpg Press 31 January 2020 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576897518854-ZCI6H4G6K0FP3OGJHNLB/1200px-BBC_News_2019.svg.png Press 5 December 2019 https://images.squarespace-cdn.com/content/v1/5c49b798e749409bfb9b6ef2/1576999929239-ASHDXFIK5J035XLIU2NT/1200px-BBC_News_2019.svg.png Press - 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